Political Spin for Pariahs
The Serpent is a devoted family man. He spends most of his day gathering food in the Garden of Eden to bring home to Mrs. Serpent and the brood of little Serpents. He occupies his evening reading bedtime stories to the toddlers and helping Mrs. Serpent vacuum and dust the nest. He made one small mistake eons ago and has been maligned in the Bible ever since. It was alleged that he told Eve to eat of the forbidden apple but new evidence has come to light indicating that it may not have been The Serpent but possibly Gordon Gecko who persuaded Eve to take that fateful mouthful while trying to convince her that greed is good. We have proof that The Serpent was nowhere near the Tree of Knowledge when the apple was eaten but was actually in a different orchard picking fruit for distribution to some homeless snakes and toads. We also have in our possession a video taken from a hidden camera which depicts Eve pole dancing in the Garden; and in that same clip, a naked Adam can be seen stuffing a shekel into her fig leaf. This was long before any mention was made of a verboten russet and after viewing this excerpt it’s not difficult to believe that she would need much coaxing to undertake some sinning if you know what I mean. Our website can be contacted for additional information regarding Eve and her sexual exploits. Even God after watching the video on YouTube has changed his mind about The Serpent and absolves him of any and all perfidy in this matter. Remember this coming November to cast your vote for The Serpent for Chief Reptile of the Garden of Eden.
I am The Serpent and I approved this message.
Nero has been an honest and hardworking emperor for our country. It’s certainly possible that he could have handled some interpersonal problems with more tact and he now regrets that he tried to drown his mother in a boat before having an assassin club her to death. This started with a small disagreement over him not coming to her house for dinner every other Sunday and had nothing to do with him leaving his wife and marrying his best friend’s spouse and then having his first wife killed as well as the second wife but the idle gossip that he kicked the second wife in the stomach while she was pregnant is a complete falsehood and she may have fallen or been pushed down a flight of stairs. These untruths were spread by his former chief counselor, who then suffered a sudden death probably a coronary thrombosis; and his step brother, who expired precipitously after a large meal probably related to gluttony rather than cyanide ingestion as some have claimed. As far as fiddling while Rome burned, this is a complete lie and we have eyewitnesses from his family (the few that are left) that Nero was singing that night and not playing the violin. The fact that he built a large palace for himself on the site of the burned ruins to stage three- day orgies in no way implicates our beloved emperor of culpability for the fire. We fervently believe that Nero is the best man to lead our empire through these immoral times. Jupiter bless our great emperor!
I am Nero and I approved this message.
Attila the Hun is a peaceful and generous man. His invasion of Gaul was entirely justified because Mr. Hun was in need of money for charitable giving to the widows and orphans of Hunland. When he crossed the Rhine it was his intention to negotiate in a civilized manner. He made reasonable demands for ninety per cent of the gold and jewels in each city. When these very humble requests were refused he was forced to enter many of the houses and churches and politely remove the booty that he found. To his dismay some of the burghers expired in their homes and it’s obvious that many of these deaths were suicides; the result of guilt feelings for not voluntarily giving their wealth to such a benevolent man as Mr. Hun. Some of the women were enamored of the Hun men and wanted to have sex with them and the accusations of rape were mostly “he said she said,” and the fires which burned most of the cities could well be blamed on faulty construction and unsafe ovens. Mr. Hun is a dedicated husband and father to his twelve wives and thirty-two children. He had a close relationship with his brother before he regrettably took ill and died in a bathtub at Mr. Hun’s castle. We urge you to vote for this great man to lead our nation as opposed to any of his rivals most of whom are dead.
I am Attila the Hun and I approved this message.
This magnificent woman is the wife of a Scottish noble and soon to be the next Queen of Scotland. Rumors abound that she incited her husband to kill the reigning King Duncan when he was a guest at their castle after hearing about a prophecy from some witches. We can prove that this is a total fabrication. That afternoon she was at a tournament to cheer on her son who was just beginning knight little league. She is one of the many jousting moms that live in the suburbs of Edinburgh. She was forced to leave this event early to host the banquet for the King and of course she didn’t have a minivan but had to ride a mule. At the feast, the old monarch became inebriated and made a crude pass at a buxom baroness and while being subdued by the guards he fell and hit his head and died. The great guilt that Agnes—-all her friends call her Agnes—- experienced afterwards had nothing to do with the death of the King but was remorse for not being present when her son put on his first chain mail. Her famous lament “out, damn’d Spot!” was not related to blood stains on her hand but was uttered while disciplining her Scottish Terrier Spot who had peed on the noble bed. She spent hours trying to clean the ducal comforter while washing urine from her hands. This upstanding wife and mother deserves to be the new queen and she will do a killer of a job even though she may not be as cute as Kate Middleton.
I am Lady Macbeth and I approved this message.