A Letter from the NRA
I am pleased to be writing the annual letter for the year 2020. As you know the last five years have been rather difficult for our organization. It started with increased background checks for gun buyers finally passed by Congress in 2015. Our former leader, Mr. Lapierre suggested that this was a slippery slope for gun ownership and was he ever correct. The next president Mr. Michael Moore, the first chief executive ever inaugurated in a baseball cap, used the depletion of the squirrel population in Arkansas and Missouri as an excuse to ban all shot guns, and currently there are more squirrels than people residing in those states. Then several liberal PAC groups formed: Pinko’s United, Tree Huggers Against Pistol Luggers, Mommies for Commies, and Left Wingers Versus Gun Slingers. Their powerful connections contributed to the weakening of the gun lobby. Bumper stickers began to appear such as “Have you Hugged your Psychopath today?” and “Your Home Intruder is a Person Too.” The Jewish restaurateurs won an award for the slogan: “Don’t bring your Smith & Wesson to the Delicatessen” but our greatest setback occurred when the professional athletes “Jocks against Glocks” came out against gun violence.
Several new groups were established to challenge the NRA. The National Sling Shot Association (NSSA) became influential as people clamored to buy rubber bands and three inch diameter rocks. The Club for Clubs (CFC) mobilized the public to save old baseball bats and two irons and the Chain Mail Association (CMA) encouraged folks to convert their old pots and pans to armor. The American Spear Association (ASA) organized a potent consortium and believe me this had nothing to do with asparagus. The newer Battle Axe and Bludgeon Society (BABS) gained strength with much of their money coming from retired Vikings and Visigoths.
On a brighter note I would like to emphasize some of the more positive accomplishments of the past year. I am happy to report that squirt guns are still legal in 45 states but you must show ID at Toys R Us proving that you are over eighteen years of age. Water cannons are permissible but the water in them must be distilled and samples are to be submitted to the local health department on a periodic basis. Bows and arrows are now the weapons of choice for self-defense but regrettably new laws mandate only three arrows per quiver. We have lobbied hard for the right of home owners to build moats on their properties and several state legislatures are considering bills in favor of this endeavor although in California the draw bridge must be solar powered.
There are still several rebates that can be obtained with your NRA card. You can receive a 10% discount from Piggly Wiggly Stores on most of their items except for unhealthy fare such as beef jerky and chewing tobacco; and at Whole Foods the organic kiwis and mangos can be purchased at a reduced price with proof of membership. “Fidel Castro: My Life” was a bargain at Borders Books before they went bankrupt but can still be obtained online. Unfortunately the “Field and Stream” markdown is no longer valid but “The American Poetry Review” can now be bought for pennies on the dollar.
Finally I must announce that this will be my last letter to all of you. We have decided to merge with the National Pea Shooter’s Association (NPSA) but if you pay your dues before yearend, you will receive a free bag of dried lentils in the mail.
Elmer Fudd III
A Letter from the NRA