Danny the Dinosaur Meets Adam and Eve
By David Margolis
I was created by God, even though it’s not clear if I was begat with the sea monsters on the fourth day or the quadrupeds on the fifth day, for there is no specific mention of dinosaurs in the book of Genesis. In fact, my real name isn’t Danny but a very long Hebrew appellation, but that doesn’t explain the absence of my personage in the Holy Scriptures. I’m more like your average beast, not vicious like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, or coated with armor like a Stegosaurus, but I do have the ability to fly, albeit rather feebly. My species is the Mediocresaur. No fossils of my family have ever been found, so you won’t find my kin in any paleontology books.
Anyway, there I was in the Garden of Eden, well not actually in the hallowed plot itself, but in an adjacent gravelly section that looked more like an unpaved parking lot without the chain link fence. As I looked around, there were no humans, just a bunch of creatures like me. The atmosphere was serene and peaceful and I built a small nest from twigs and leaves that I found in the heavenly acreage. The lawn in the Garden itself was pristine, for weeds had yet to be invented, and just like a goose (a distant relative), I loved to waddle over there, munch on the perfect blades, and have a good poop.
You already know that Herman, the serpent, had taken up residence in this paradise. He seemed like a friendly chap at the time, but as it turned out, I wasn’t a particularly good judge of character. He lived down by the river, mostly concerned with finding a female with which to fertilize a few hundred eggs, so I pretty much left him alone except for a polite hello when our paths crossed.
The sixth day was a seminal twenty-four hour segment in the history of the world, for that’s when man came down from the heavens which were fashioned on the second day. There was a rumor floating around that this fellow was to rule over the fish, the fowl, and the animals, no specific reference to the dinosaurs, but I got the picture; this guy was going to be our boss. There was no puff of smoke or anything like that. He just parachuted right into the orchard, and this young buck was completely naked, but so were the rest of us, therefore no big deal. Then woman came into being after a surgical operation performed by God, using a part of the fellow’s anatomy. The deity did an excellent job if I could be permitted to editorialize. She looked to be about eighteen, firm and perky in every way, and of course she was sans garments as well, with her hair simply tied in a chignon. Remember, there were no hairdressers around at that time, and no cosmetics, but this lass didn’t need any foundation. Though he was post-op from the rib extraction, Mr. Male ran over to the maiden, and began to escort her on a tour of the Garden. Even a dinosaur could see a glint in his eye from the get-go.
I’m a relatively curious fellow, so I flapped over to the couple as they were picking succulent oranges off a tree, for in the beginning the trees were created with fruit already on the boughs. It was only the following year that they needed flowers and bees to produce things, but that’s another story. I plopped down near the pair who were ogling each other. At first they didn’t notice a mundane dinosaur, but in a neighborly tone I said to the man, “Hi, my name’s Danny. How’s it hangin’?”
“Doin’ Ok except for some pain in my side. My name is Adam, and this here is my friend Eve. We were just comparing notes, and it seems that where I’ve got a gadget like a hose dangling down in front, she has a little bush, but on her chest I notice she’s got some things like what’s on that tree over yonder,” and he pointed to the tallest tree in the garden with shapely fruit growing high in the branches.
“That’s the Tree of Knowledge,” I replied. “The serpent claims it produces a very special crop, and wanted me to try a sample, but there’s an abundance of nutritious fare to eat around here. You can get a dozen peaches for next to nothing, the mangos are delicious, and an excellent stir fry can be prepared with the cauliflower and broccoli growing just over the hill. We don’t call it the ‘Garden of Eatin’ for nothing, so you really don’t need to partake of those pulpy pears perched in that tree.”
“Yeah, God already warned us about eating that stuff,” responded Adam, “but thanks for your tip about the broccoli. If you’ll excuse us, Eve and I have business to attend to,” and as he settled himself in the grass alongside the pulchritudinous wench, I couldn’t help notice that his hose had become more like a construction pencil. When I became air borne, I witnessed the serpent angling toward them in the grass. A few hours later, there was a ladder against Woody Wisdom as we nicknamed it, and Eve was standing on the highest rung, picking the fruit. Before long, the lovers were popping generous morsels into their mouths. They saw me aloft in the freshly minted azure sky, and held up their hands to offer me a slice so I swooped on in, grasping a large hunk in my jaws. The sample was fibrous, and not that sweet, more like a Bartlett that you might want to place in a brown bag, and leave on the counter to ripen for a day or two.
Suddenly, there was a sound like a thunderclap, the firmament blackened, and a wind came up. Then the furious voice of God could be heard. As I fluttered to my refuge, I could see him scolding Adam, and the poor fellow was gesticulating and pointing over to Eve as if it were all her fault, a custom which has perpetuated since man has resided on this earth. God turned to the serpent slinking away in the grass, and began to cuss at him, and when I heard the Almighty swearing, I veritably trembled.
A few days passed, and I breathed easier as it appeared that God was unaware of my nibbling on the verboten gourd. I spied Adam and Eve strolling in the providential patch. He was wearing a dark blue suit, and she had on a blouse and skirt. The body parts that had been previously exposed were hidden, and as I plummeted down beside them, they didn’t seem all that blissful.
“You guys are all dressed up. What’s the occasion?” I offered in my softest dinosaur voice.
“I’m really not in the mood for small talk” sneered Eve. “I found out that Adam is not the man I thought he was. After we have sex, he jumps up, and abruptly leaves with that devil, the serpent. They eat some cherries, pick some blueberries, and shoot the bull with the other critters. They don’t come back until nightfall. He’ll need to learn how to treat a gal properly before he gets any more favors.”
“She’s never satisfied, always complaining,” responded Adam. “Ever since God chastised us, I’ve carried a heavy burden to provide for her, particularly now that there’s a little one on the way. The Almighty has decreed that I will have to plough the fields, sow the seeds and harvest the wheat. This isn’t working out too well, and I blame the first bitch for making me eat of the proscribed produce.”
That was enough for me, but as I headed back to my cozy abode, I received the shock of my young life. God was there waiting for me, and by the look on his face, I knew it wouldn’t be to borrow a recipe for cauliflower casserole.
“Danny, I’m very disappointed. Thought you could fool God did you? Get off scot free while your friends have been punished?”
“Well no sir. It was an egregious error to listen to my colleagues and I’m sorry.”
“Well Danny, if you’d had parents you would know that sorry isn’t good enough. Dinosaurs will exist on this earth for many years, but then you will become extinct, and the only evidence that you ever roamed the earth will be the bones dug up for display in museums, and toys made in your image for children’s play. No one will ever know that you lived in the Garden of Eden, for your name will be expunged from the Bible.” With that he vanished, and I never saw the unmoved mover again.
Soon there was a flood. Not a huge one like Noah’s, but enough to cover the Garden, and when the waters receded, all of the plants and trees were gone including the Tree of Knowledge. The entire area resembled the stony plot next door. My dinosaur colleagues never forgave my insufferable ingestion. We all left the place to go our own way in the world, even big Rex departed looking for a swamp, and the last time I saw Adam, he was tilling the rocky soil in his shirtsleeves, with Eve right behind him holding an infant in her arms, and she was nagging at him.